Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Upset Expectation. . .

-sigh-

After one bad thing, and now comes another.
Usually it will happen on the moment when I gained my smile.
Okay. Not blaming anyone. I'm tired already....

My mom will be upset if she know I got Band 3 for my MUET.
The whole family will...
I wish I could achieve Band 5/4 so I can defeat my other cousins, who are the rising stars in Big Family...
I want my own name.
I want my own identity.
And now I lost everything.

As soon as I got message from MUET, with Band 3, my vision turned dark. Complete dark.
Now I know how darker than black look like.

I can't see nothing in my future. So dark...
I can't utter a word. My spirit has loss.
When I can feel raging inside me, I decided to switch off my lappy and sleep.
Yes , as usual , I covered my whole body and read Law notes.
My roommates know how upset am I so they just let me alone.
I wanted to cry but I've expected this kind of result.
It is really upset me. . .

I don't want to wonder why. It is in my expectation.
I'm pretty confident with my writing but not my speaking. I don't like to speak. So I know which is my weakness.

So upset till I can't think rationally. I'm so upset. I'm so sad.
I've let my parents down.
Such an useless child...


When my friends tried to cheer me up , I just wanted to say one thing.... "You guys can say that just because you guys got Band 4."
What if they get Band 3??
Will they be able to say cheer up , I can make yada yada yada ?!?!
PLEASE UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION !!!

At least you guys got good pointer and how about me???
Pointer 2.6 with Band 3~ now tell me, who the hell going to pick me as their student?????
I'M A LIVING DUMP TRASH !!! IT'S A FACT AND DON'T CHANGE!!!

Still, I can't configure on how they can get good pointer but they did enjoy watching movie in their lappy , reading novels , hang out with friends and I DID THE SAME. Why can't we end up being the same???
I've tried to improve myself; keep on reading cases , reading articles and facts , make mind map , study like hell but what did I get?!?!?!

I GOT NOTHING THAT I WISH TO HAVE!!!!!
I STUDIED BUT END UP BEING THE LAST IN CLASS! CURSE BLOODY FATE!!
I STUDY , STUDY AND STUDY BUT IT DIDN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I AM AN IDIOT!!!
I KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO FIT WITH THEM!!!

No one knows how it's feel to be the last...
I used to be the first , the top 10....so when I'm in their place, it's really upset me...it makes me down...so much....

Being among the Law students just make me learn too many things about life.

If my expectation goes right (again) today , I swear....either I jump from the highest building , or make a bus hit me or cut my wrist or make a daily live , I do not what else to do...

I've give up...

Muet is my only hope the be the rising star. I am so down.

My mom said it's okay for a beginner. But my friends are beginners. And why are they passed the exam with flying colours?!?! Why am I left behind?!?!?

My friends said it is no use to take another Muet exam because I will not have time for that. Plus , the UPU yada yada yada----------you can say that because you get Band 4. I get Band 3.

So please understand my situation. AGAIN.

Sorry mum , dad , for let you down. . . .

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